May your day be blessed as you go about following your dreams, searching for your happiness, and living your life.

Woke up this morning and realized that peoples perception of me is based on snippets of what I do or have done in the past, not WHO I am. Everyone has that face they put on for the outside world. You just hope that those who are in your personal life see your heart.  It just is beginning to seem, that as long as I continue putting on the face and persona that performs, produces and provides for their expectations, I'm okay in their eyes.  This idea that I am the entirety of their perception based on moments of time, is skewed.  I'm all about chin up and all that, doing for the greater good as much as possible, therein probably lies my dilemma. I'm betting even performers that have been pigeonholed, get frustrated because others miss who and what they are capable of outside that character. That they have an inner self and a personal happiness that they are striving for.  That just maybe, that want I have, is just as valid.

I'm 52, feeling some may say, selfish.  I like to think it's more about trying to be at peace with my life, and yes, happy.  I suffer from wanting a perfect world, have a girlfriend who calls it OCLOD, Obsessive Complusive Life Organizer Disorder, (think that's right).  I want my world and the worlds of those I hold dear to be "happy." I find the word happy to be a misnomer, happy is moments of time, not every second of every day.  I'd like to think that my life is so much more than giving a moment of happiness. I hope that those I have come into contact with have seen more than that from me. 

What I want in my life isn't much different than any other human. Maybe it is.  Maybe it's not.  There is the ever elusive idea that my "happiness" can't be attained unless I conform to others expectations of what I should do. That my being willing to believe, to hope, to try, to fail, or even succeed is a defect in my personality. That my ability to evolve as I age, is not acceptable.  Must be the person I was in their eyes always.  That just goes against how I try to allow others to live their lives.  

Life is constantly changing, unless you never allow yourself to be a part of others lives.  I hope that  I have been able to show those lives that I have participated in, some of the following. 

That participating in other lives or allowing others to participate in yours, simply grows your world. That belief in their dreams is important and although not my dream, everyone's dream has great value.  Compassion in some form (because compassion is not one of my strongest gifts.) Their are enough people in this world that tear others down, don't allow yourself to do it for them.  Always been my belief we were put on Earth to build, not tear down.  That I have shown a portion of the grace and forgiveness that has been given me over the years by God and humans. That I have been able to show unconditional love to those closest to me, love that's not based on performance but based on their heart and being.  That as a human mistakes and errors in judgment are made, forgive.  That each day can bring abundant joy and deep sorrow, just have to know that tomorrow really is another day.  That it's okay to go outside your comfort zone, as long as it brings no intended harm, discomfort and unfamiliarity is part of being out of your comfort zone.  

Life is just living, living it based on basic responsibilities of kindness and general well being is important to the world as a whole.  I get that.  Living life based solely on the expectations and demands of humans is just dancing a dance that leaves your heart and soul exhausted and frustrated.

Making it to 52, has brought me every emotion a person can experience.  A few regrets, but oh so many joys.  4 children who have enlarged my world and heart beyond what I could have ever imagined.  Family and friends who have and do share in my joys, tears, crazy ideas, laughter and sorrows.  Currently a man who has helped me discover, me. Fairly good health overall, can still get up every morning, still dance for hours, Yay me! I'm intelligent and still willing to learn.  

I guess the point of all this was and is just to say my peace.  The hope that writing this down will help me find balance at least for this moment in time.  May your day be blessed as you go about following your dreams, searching for your happiness, and living your life.