Anguish

I have discovered that the instantaneous feeling of loss and hope is really an awful thing. I know that I will get back the hopefulness but that split second of it being gone is hell. Living life and trying to wade through all the ups and downs just in one day can be hard.
I try to remember the mistakes I made, wrong choices that put my life in jeopardy or my child's for that matter. I imagine I put my parents and grandparents through some serious heart wrenching times, actually I am sure of it. I can't say I envy them but I now know how it feels.

I don't know quite how to handle the choices my child has made, and I call it a choice because not drinking would help to transform your life. Accepting help in what form it is given and continuing to receive that help, will change your life. Growth in any direction is difficult, growing with the proper needs met can make all the difference in the world. Depression results from not being able to see things clearly or maybe to intensely. Drinking Alcohol and not taking medication only compounds the problem.

I will always love my children no matter what but fear losing them to their choices and actions. I believe that their are consequences for every action or thing you do, at some point you have to pay that price. I just want the strength to love my child and children for whom they are not what they have done. No excuses are acceptable especially when so much is at stake. When do you know to not help or how do you provide support unconditionally?

Somewhere along the line I figured out that my choices would kill me or my child. That what I chose to do or continue to do effects so many others. I want my life to be about building things up including myself not tearing down any progress that I have made. That is not to say that I don't continue to make wrong choices, or speak out to hurt, or just continue to keep up a bad habit, but overall I have come to the conclusion that I need to continue to grow and change even if it is hard or uncomfortable for me.

We expect our children to obey and do what is right, we should expect the same from ourselves. On the other hand I can't blame anyone else for choices I have made in my life. By the age of 14 I would have to say you should be accountable to your own mind you know the differences between right and wrong. I could continue to blame everyone from my mother to my dad, and men that molested me, but at some point I saw the value of forgiveness, that's not to say I forget, it just means I can move on. At no time do I mean that having someone else's decision to hurt a person is the victims fault, it isn't.

We were not made to inflict harm on other persons both mentally or physically, we were made to build each other up, in love. The hardest part to all this is to not feel responsible for decisions your child makes, especially once they are old enough to know right from wrong.

I know that I have turned out all right, I am not perfect, but try very hard to remember that my actions and choices effect those around me. I realize that there is a long term goal here. One that can be mundane on the dailyness of it, but their are also moments of utter joy. Responsibility means doing the mundane, giving up dreams on occasion at least for awhile, taking notice of the little blessings and the big blessings in your life, and taking into account the long term benefits of not doing the wrong thing today.