January 16, 2013

I am beginning to have spring fever.  The bad part is the list I am compiling in my head, back roof, yard to include brick work, garden, and concrete, painting, and floor work.  Now all I need is money and time to complete it all.!

 I found out yesterday the Board approved my raise at the library!!!!  It really boosts the idea of what I have been doing there is of value.  Started getting support again another big yay.  Have my year review with my other job today.

Biggest change in my life has to do with a friends suggestion to talk with a friend of theirs.  Scariest part was and is the process of allowing another person in my life.   It is a good thing.  It has has been a very long time since I have felt comfortable in my own skin with someone.  Actually let's be honest it's been a long time since I have been comfortable in my own skin period.  

I am finding it easier to be happy, sounds kinda sad doesn't it.  I've been told my twinges of guilt are part of my Catholic upbringing but I am working hard at overcoming it.  I am allowed to be happy, have fun and just be me.  My children are blessing me by liking the fact that I am discovering happiness again.  

For those of you that know me, biggest challenge is balancing what I want immediately with patience.  Never a strong suit for me in so many things. I know that sometime soon a chapter of my life will close and another one will begin.  I foresee an opportunity to have great companionship, laughter, and who knows maybe even allow myself to love this year.  But again patience.  Balancing practical logic with the heart is my biggest hurdle.  Allowing my heart to just feel, accepting it for what it is, allowing it to progress in whatever way happens, yep that old brain of mine can get in the way.

Oddest part of the last few months is I am 50 (yes I know it doesn't mean I am one foot in the grave), but still am able to feel the excitement of meeting someone, liking them and wanting to have them as part of my life.  For that I am thankful, it feels good to know I am alive and capable of opening up my heart.  The last thing I want for anyone is a heart that fears emotion, especially me.  

The song "Catch My Breath" by Kelly Clarkson aptly describes my life. and Home by Phillip Phillips.

No more demons to hold me down. (Home)

Addicted to the love I found (Catch)
Heavy heart, now a weightless cloud
Making time for the ones that count
I'll spend the rest of my time
Laughing hard with the windows down
Leaving footprints all over town
Keeping faith kinda comes around
I'll spent the rest of my life

Catching my breath, letting it go, turning my cheek for the sake of the show
Now that you know, this is my life, I won't be told it's supposed to be right

Blessings Today.